Why Klaine is the Best couple ever
by SkyeblueA
Summary: Or why I should never be allowed on Tumblr. This is a crack fic read at your own amusement. Rated M because I have a potty mouth.


A/N: Hello readers this is a crack fic if you hadn't read the description before clicking this story now you know. This was meant to be funny and an attempt to cure my bored-ness. I do not own Glee or any of the references made.

Once upon a time, because that is how all great stories start, there was high school called William McKinley High School. William McKinley was apparently a president. Which one? Don't ask me, I slept through U.S. History. He was probably a Hufflepuff if I didn't who he was. What the hell is a Hufflepuff? So, McKinley High is famous for its national winning cheerleaders, its worse football team in the state, its extensive bullying including: slushy facials, dumpster toss, being locked in port-a-potties, locker slams and feeding others to the McKinley High jaguar, a mystical beast, which eats students and destroys school property for absolutely no reason. But, the show is called Glee. So we are going to see what the Glee club is doing even though the Glee is the least popular thing on campus. Even the McKinley High jaguar has more fans on Facebook than the Glee Club.

Today, the Glee club was listening to Rachel's daily rants on how she is the best and why she deserves all the solos. The club, as usual, was not paying attention. Mike and Tina, Brittany and Santana, and Quinn and Sam were all making out with their respected partners. Finn, Puck and Artie were playing Mario Kart on their DSs. Kurt and Mercedes were reading the newest issue of Vogue and Mr. Shue was asleep at the piano. Forty-five minutes into her rant the Glee club was saved by the sound of a door being slammed open and the shattering of glass. Everyone immediately stopped what they were doing and turned to where the sound came from. Standing at doorway, surrounded by shattered glass, like the Greek God he is, was an extremely sexy man. I would say boy, but he was too gorgeous to be called a mere boy.

The handsome stranger is 5'8, has beautiful sun-kissed skin, wild curly black locks that have been lightly gelled and stunning golden-brown eyes. He was wearing pink sunglasses, a white v-neck t-shirt in which the collar went down low enough for his dark chest hair to peak out. Over the tee was a perfect black leather jacket; in fact, it was so perfect it looked as if he just bought the jacket, but in reality he had it since he was 14. Looking down lower, because everyone knows you are doing the same thing, was his infamous red high water jeans. When he had tried them on at the store, the sales lady, who was incidentally a weak minded Hufflepuff, died of brain and heart failure. Both occurred at the same time. The corner, as well as the rest of the medical community, was so baffled they named the occurrence "Red High Water Jeans Effect". This was rare cause of death that only occurs when a Hufflepuff sees a dapper young man wears red high water jeans. The final article of clothing, that incased his feet, were black loafers and no socks. Why? Because socks were the guy's sworn enemy—fuck if I know! Anyways while everyone was either questioning their sexuality and or current relationship the new kid looked around the choir room and gave the kind smirk that would make any straight guy question their sexuality and began to speak.

"Hello, my name is Blaine Freaking Warbler Anderson Mini Cooper, but you may call me Blaine because apparently Fanfiction . Net does not know my last name. I just transfer from Pigfarts Reform Acadamy for Witches, Wizards and Magical Beasts. That is on Mars, you need a rocket ship to get there. Unfortunately, you Gleeks do not have dead parents to inherit the money from to buy a rocket ship. I had to eat my parents, because there's an animal inside of me and only human flesh can satisfy. I came here to eat bullies and sing Katy Perry, and I am all out of bullies to eat." Everyone just stared in absolute shock after hearing Blaine's introduction. His words were mesmerizing, twisted, eloquent and so brilliant that their brains had momentarily stopped working. Blaine, sighing in annoyance for this happened all the time, snapped his fingers and everyone woke from their trance.

"Uhm—okay so do you wish to try out for Glee club?" asked Mr. Shue.

"Well duh. Of course, why else would I be here?" asked Blaine why completely undermining Mr. Shue's character.

"You can fuck me on the piano," said Santana oblivious to what Blaine's true sexuality was.

"Sorry Princess, but I play for the other team and so do you apparently. Now go make out with Brittany because no one should get in the way of Brittana," said Blaine. So Santana did just that because nobody disobeys Blaine.

"So which song will you be singing?" asked Mr. Shue hoping that will grab the group's attention, because most of them were watching Brittana make-out.

"One of Katy Perry's best songs ever," said Blaine. Then out of nowhere music started playing and Blaine started singing "Peacock". You all know why, you perverts. After singing the epic song of epic-ness, everyone clapped and cheered.

"That was wonderful, Blaine," said Mr. Shue. "You are definitely in the Glee club. Even though I let anyone in except in season three, I am going even more of a dick than I already am and not let in a student because she is a terrible singer. And this is all because I want to win nationals even though I could just let her in and just have her sway in the background or help her with her singing like the decent human-being that I am suppose to be," Now that Blaine was in the Glee club and Mr. Shue had just broke the forth wall and apparently is clairvoyant; Blaine had one more choice to make. Where the fuck does he sits? The Glee club had arranged themselves into two rows. The row closest to him, from left to right, had Artie, Finn, Rachel, Tina, Mike and Puck. In the back row were Brittany, Santana, Kurt, Mercedes, Quinn and Sam. He could sit next to Puck because he was badass like him, but being in the front row wasn't something a badass would do. And it was obvious that Blaine is more of a badass than Puck; I mean he ate his parents. If that was not badass enough if not criminal then I do not know anything anymore. So he had to sit in the back row. Sitting between Santana and Brittany or Quinn and Sam was out of the question. He also thought Kurt was cute so sitting next to him was a definite possibility. So he either had to sit on Kurt's left or his right. It did not take Blaine long to realize how close Kurt was sitting to Mercedes. This was a possible indication that Kurt and Mercedes were best friends; and if Blaine ever wanted a slim chance of dating Kurt or getting laid with Kurt he could not separate Kurt from his best friend. Not only was this a bad first impression, but it could leave the impression that Blaine could be an abusive boyfriend. Blaine might be a badass, cannibal, wizard and, because he eats people, a murderer. But he was also a dapper gentleman and the perfect boyfriend/lover if he was given the chance.

Therefore, Blaine grabbed chair, pushed Brittana's seats away with his foot after saying 'excuse me' of course, and then he placed his chair between Santana and Kurt, and sat down. He quickly turned to Kurt, gave him a flirty smirk and wink before turning to face the front of the room.

"Okay kids," started Mr. Shue. "Sectionals are in two weeks and we need a set list. Who has ideas," Rachel immediately raises her hand and starts speaking.

"I think I should have a solo and then Blaine and I should sing a duet. Perhaps a romantic ballad with lots of emotions," She then turns around to smile at Blaine. Blaine nearly gags.

"Berry! Did you even listen to what he had said earlier? He is gay. Even Jacob Ben Israel has a better chance then you," said Santana.

"I did hear what he said but my gay dads have many friends who thought they were gay but turned out to be bisexual," said Rachel triumphantly. Blaine finally pukes out a whole heart on the ground behind Rachel.

"Please tell me that was your heart you just vomited," said Mercedes.

"I was told never to lie, it's actually Principal Figgins' heart," said Blaine.

"I think I'm going to be sick," said Tina.

"Why did you eat him?" asked Artie.

"He had tried to confiscate my Red Vines," said Blaine.

"Are those like Twizzlers?" asked Finn. Everyone gasped. Finn had just said Red Vines are just like Twizzlers. The punishment for doing such an unthinkable, forbidden, and utterly foolish act, an act that even Brittany understands never to do, is to watch Joel Schumacher 1997 Batman and Robin repeatedly while listening to The Divinyls "I Touch Myself" on repeat for eight hours straight. Realizing his mistake, Finn begged not to be punished. Unfortunately, no God heeded to his pleads. The Elite Beat Team came in and dragged the poor screaming and kicking Finn away.

"Okay let's start singing a random song that we all know the lyrics to and move to a somewhat coordinated dance routine to pass the time," said Mr. Shue in order to move along the nonexistent plotline. Everyone got up and started singing a song that was related to whatever the topic was that week. The topic of the week was happiness, so they sung "Happiness" from You're A Good Man Charlie Brown.

Then the infamous cock-blocking piano appeared, played its notes and effectively changed the scene. Now we are in the hall way where Kurt was at his locker talking to Mercedes; then, Blaine apparated next to them; for he is a wizard and he could was allowed to do shit like that.

"Hello, my sweet Kurties-pie. What are you Mercedes talking about? Can I join in? Where did you get those jeans or did you just spray painted them onto your body? What song should we sing for Glee? Can I sing with you in Glee? Also where is the plot? Coach Sylvester said if I found the plot I get a life-time supply of Red Vines and also you and I could get married and have supermegafoxyawesomehot Klaine babies together," asked Blaine interrupting Kurt and Mercedes.

"Okay first of all, never call me Kurties-pie or I'll cut off your dick and shove it up your ass. Mercedes and I weren't actually talking about anything important so there is no conversation you can join in. Next, I don't what to sing for Glee but if you have an idea I guess I'll sing with you. Perhaps a flirty duet so we can annoy the viewers for half the season and then we can get together after I sing a Beatles song. To answer your final question the plot does not exist. This is a crack fanfiction written by bored college student waiting for the bus after her class got canceled," said Kurt. There is a moment of silence.

"So does that mean Klaine won't happen?" asked Blaine his big brown puppy-dog eyes filled with tears. Kurt gasped at Blaine, franticly trying to think of a response.

"No, of course Klaine will happen. Blackbird sing in the dead of night; take these broken wings and learn to fly," said Kurt hoping that would prevent Blaine from crying. Because for every tear Blaine sheds, a new born puppy is drowned. Blaine does not cry and instead makes out with Kurt.

"I love you Kurt," said Blaine.

"I love you too," replied Kurt.

"Let this be the start of forever, just the two of us," said Blaine.

"Oh yes Blaine," said Kurt running his fingers through Blaine's messy locks.

"This is better than finding the nonexistent plot, but now I won't have my lifetime supply of Red Vines," Blaine said sadly. Kurt gave Blaine a small smile, cupped his lover's cheek and whispered,

"Do not fret my love; my lesbian aunt owns a Red Vines factory." Blaine gave the biggest smile ever and proceeded to deflower Kurt right there in the middle of a hallway of a homophobic school.

Now the Glee club was back in the choir room discussing Sectionals and not the drama that happens around school. Finn was back from his punishment, horribly scarred for life, Klaine was the new couple and Rachel still annoying as ever.

"So I think everyone should pick songs that I should sing for sectionals and then Blaine and I will choose a romantic duet to sing as our final number," said Rachel completely oblivious to the fact that Klaine was together even though they were making right in front of her. This made Kurt go all diva on Rachel.

"Oh fuck no. Keep your hands off my man," said Kurt now fuming. "Find someone else to have voice babies with. He is mine,"

"Kurt I know you are an important member of the Glee club, but I have to think about my future and I know Blaine will be in my future," replied Rachel.

"What about me," asked Finn.

"Sorry Finn, but I'm a voice whore; I must date any guy with a great voice," said Rachel.

"Hey Finn if you want her; you can have her," said Blaine. "I am completely in love with Kurt,"

"Have even kissed a girl? You might like it," asked Rachel.

"Every time I kiss a girl a newborn kitten is shot in the face with a shotgun. So no, I have not kissed a girl," said Blaine in totally serious voice. Everyone is completely silent. Then Brittany says,

"I think Santana should have a solo and Fabrvens should sing a duet. No offense Rachel but I'm kind of tired of hearing your voice over and over again. I also thought this club was supposed to highlight everyone's talent but you are hogging up spotlight and that is unfair to everyone. I mean, why can't Mercedes sing a ballad or Artie and the guys do a rap number. I also think Santana and I should sing a duet because Santana needs an outlet and needs to stop being angry at everyone for she is angry at herself," This perhaps being the most serious moment in the entire fanfiction and the author running out of ideas. Mr. Shue agrees with Brittany and Rachel is angry.

The New Direction wins Sectional's and Regional's and since Finn was still pissed off at Rachel they sung their own original songs including Blaine's "Not Alone" at National's. They win of course and Vocal Adrenaline was pissed. They also win National's the year after that and the next year and you get the picture. So years after the original Glee club graduate, they all had successful jobs and happy lives. Mike and Tina went to college, got married, opened their own dance studio, had two children and lived happily ever after. Santana and Brittany skipped college and became famous models/ actresses; they had one son and lived happily ever after. Artie went to college, found a cure for his disability, used the money to become a world class dancer and lived happily ever after. Quinn went to college, became a real estate agent like she said she would in season one, then she kidnapped Beth and married a Christian man in Switzerland; however, she was later arrested by Dog the Bounty-Hunter while he was filming his new series Dog the Bounty-Hunter International. Finn and Puck became famous NFL players, got married to Rachel and Shelby respectively, and Puck, after Beth got kidnapped by Quinn, and hired Dog the Bounty-Hunter and he and Shelby lived happily ever after. Rachel became a Broadway star but after a few years settled down with Finn, and she is now the new director of the New Directions, she and Finn had a daughter and lived happily ever after. Mercedes became a Blues singer and the poster child for tatter-tots; she married Sam Evans, had two girls and they lived happily ever after. Sam became famous for starting in many commercials on Chap Stick and medical dramas in which he is a patient with a lip related disease, he married Mercedes, the only girl he'll ever love, and lived happily ever after. Mr. Shue was eaten by the McKinley High jaguar and Sue laughed. Sue turned out to be a vampire-alien hybrid and still teaches at McKinley having not aged in like 500 years she lived happily ever after. Finally, for Kurt and Blaine's ending, they went to college in New York, Kurt became a fashion designer and Blaine became a musician, they had three kids all theirs because the laws of nature don't apply in this story, and they successfully made it legal in all fifty states for gays to get married; and they lived happily ever after. As for the author of this story, she needs to cut down on the coffee and get her head checked by a professional because this story makes no sense.

The author would also like to point out this is her English professor's fault. If the professor had not planted the idea that writing whatever came to her mind would make said author write this. The author would also like to blame her math professor for canceling class without at least sending an E-mail in advance. The author finally adds that she was intending on writing her Supernatural fanfiction and instead wrote this. Now the author needs to catch the bus and asks that the readers review.


End file.
